Rugby Education - Positions/Personalities
Peter Fitzsimmons (ex-Wallaby) sums it up best:
Front Row - Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. Large, often
hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their
path. Reveling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are rarely
considered "nice" people, and in fact to some they aren't even considered
humans at all. Front rowers tolerate this attitude far and wide because
they recognize their role at the top of the food chain and are used to
suffering the fools that surround them. Accused by some of simply being
dumb, I prefer to think of this group as "open to unconventional ways of
thinking."
Locks - Slightly below the front row on the food chain. As with front
row players it is inadvisable to put an appendage you wish to keep near
this group's maw when they are in the feeding mode. This group of large,
often foul smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer
points of stomping on a fallen opponent's body and will gleefully recount
the tale ad infinitum. While they tend to take the tag "Powerhouse of the
Scrum" a little too seriously, they can be useful if inured with the
proper hatred of their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity
like to think of themselves as "open to unconventional ways of thinking" –
they are usually just dumb.
Back Row - These are fine fit fellows who, like a bunch of
hermaphrodites, are confused as to what their role in life should be.
While they know they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are
those among them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that
come with being a back. Some relish the forward role and will do anything
to win the ball and there are others within this group that will break the
prime directive of the forward and do anything to prance foolishly with
the ball. Generally, these guys are not all bad, but I, personally, have
to wonder about any forward who brings a hairbrush and a change of clothes
to a game.
Scrum Half - Some like to think of this back as an honorary forward. I
myself tend to think of the No. 9 as half a fag. While the toughest back
almost always fills this position, this idea is almost laughable - kind of
like the hottest fat chick. The scrum half's presence is tolerated by the
forwards because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the
girls in the back line who will inevitably knock the ball on and allow
them the pleasure of another scrum. The No. 9 can take pride in the fact
that he is the lowest numbered back and that as such he can be considered
almost worth while.
Fly Half - Primary role is the leader of the backs – a dubious honour
at best. Main
responsibilities as far as I can tell is ability to throw the ball over
people's heads and to provide something soft for opposing back rowers to
land on. Expected to direct the prancing of the rest of the backline - the
fly half, like any good Broadway choreographer, is usually gay. While some
may argue that these girls must be protected, I find it hard to support
anyone whose foot touches a rugby ball on purpose.
Centres- Usually come in two varieties - hard charger or flitting
fairy. The hard charger is the one to acquire, as he will announce his
presence in a game with the authority rarely found above No. 8. The
flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt to
avoid contact at all costs. The flitting fairy is also only one good smack
away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder
of his inevitable girlfriend. Both types will have extensive collections
of hair care products in their kit bags and will be among the best dressed
at the post-game festivities.
Back 3 - While some people refer to this group as 2 wingers and a
fullback, I swear to God I can't make out any difference between them.
They are all homos if you ask me. How these three guys can play 90 minutes
of RUGBY and stay clean and sweat free is beyond me. I know for a fact
that their jerseys sometimes go back in the bag cleaner than when they
came out. These ladies are fond of sayings like "Speed Kills" and "Wheels
Win", how cute. Well, I have a saying too - it's "You're a homo!! These
guys will be easy to spot after the game because they are the finely
coifed, sweater wearin', wine sippin', sweet talkin' homos in the corner
avoiding the beer swilling curs at the bar. On the whole, I really don't
mind this group because in the end, they sure are pretty to look at.
